StarKist Tuna Creations Deli Style Tuna Salad

Deli Style Tuna Salad that’s entirely shelf-stable huh?

I’ll admit I’ve been putting this one-off. I don’t mind a good tuna salad but I am nearly positive that’s not what this will be.

The press on this from StarKist describes it like it’s an epiphany. Like tuna salad is just something they just dreamt up to impress everyone. Words like “behold, delightful, mouthwatering” are just casually bandied about.

Tuna salad is another of those flavors pretty open to interpretation. I once had a relationship nearly end over tuna salad and I didn’t even start that disagreement, some people just take it pretty fucking seriously. StarKist apparently does. It’s “perfect for today’s active lifestyle” so, the next time you go out jogging, go ahead and grab a pouch of room temperature tuna salad to squeeze down your throat while you run. Take one to the gym, impress your friends. Hell, pass that little packet around. Everyone will want some. I know I do.

StarKist Tuna Creations Deli Style Tuna Salad:

Texture: Think in terms of melted ice cream. This is nauseatingly creamy for lack of a better description. What we have here is a tuna Go-Gurt. I guess they weren’t lying, this is perfect for an active lifestyle that includes portable fish. Unpleasant is an understatement.

Smell: Have you ever gotten a good whiff of warm mayo? No? You should. It’s breathtakingly bad. This is that smell, with what I think is some sort of dehydrated mustard (edit: yep, mustard powder) and the scent of decaying fish. When the tuna smell is the least offensive smell in a tuna salad, something has gone terribly wrong. Eat this in public only if you want to be hated by humans and loved by cats.

Taste: Clearly this was dehydrated and then rehydrated like some sort of experimental astronaut food. The taste begins deceptively pleasant, like a tuna salad made with far too much mayo. The aftertaste is what will hurt you. It’s enduringly fishy, unrelentingly oily and just when you think it’s finished and you think you are finally free of it, it begins anew. The cats are in a state of pure awe at the moment. They really want it. They each get a tiny morsel. daVinci is beside himself and purring even before he eats. Oni suddenly loses interest when he finds a styrofoam peanut that needs a beating under the dryer.

The Face of a Styrofoam Peanut Serial Murderer

Oof. This is revolting stuff. Especially after my mildly pleasant experience yesterday.

Verdict: 2 🐟. Make your own. If you are too lazy to make tuna salad, maybe you deserve this level of suffering, but you know what? I believe in you. You are better than this. I’m not, but you are.

Tomorrow… it’s jalapeño tuna day. A special day for me as I have a mild intolerance to jalapeños. You can just cut the tension with a knife.

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