StarKist Tuna Creations BOLD Jalapeño


Old nemesis.

Jalapeños are one of the very few food intolerances I have. Habaneros, serranos, poblanos… all totally fine but jalapeños for some reason are not. I don’t know why, but what I do know is that although they enter my body in the typical manner, they inevitably exit my body with the fury of an army of screeching, armor-clad demons on horseback.

Demonic armies or not, I’m a stubborn fucker. I said I was going to try all of these and that twisted path has led me here to this forsaken place. I’ve probably made worse decisions.

Texture: You know, I’m more experienced on the topic of tuna composition than I thought I would be when I was a kid. This has none of the strange tuna pâté thing going on that a majority of these seem to have. Large chunks of jalapeño are obvious and the tuna is flaky and essentially what you’d find in a can. Not bad.

Smell: Not much in the way of a fish smell which is refreshing (I just realized I used the word refreshing while referring to tuna. If you listen closely can hear my culinary standards scraping the basement floor.) The sheer amount of jalapeño scent is slightly foreboding. The cats both seem to notice this and keep distant and silent.

Taste: Despite what my digestive system thinks of them, I like the taste of jalapeños. This delivers in a mildly spicy way. I suspect these had been pickled or otherwise cooked prior to adding them so it’s closer to what you’d find out of canned jalapeños, had they maintained some crunch this would have rated higher. I proceed as though I won’t be spending the first 30 minutes of my day tomorrow regretting my entire life as all the furies of hell rage to find an expeditious exit from my body. (See picture.) Regret tastes pretty good. If you have the luxury to be a jalapeño fan, you’ll probably like this. I won’t rate it poorly just because I have dollar store intestines.

Jalapeño tuna leaving my body.

Both cats have decided they want nothing to do with the smell lingering in my kitchen and proceed to fall instantly asleep.

Indifference to suffering

I’ll give this 6 🐟.

It’s less complex than the other two I’ve rated higher and does have an obviously processed flavor to it unlike the lemon or Sriracha, but it’s entirely edible and not unpleasant.

What will tomorrow bring? How about Sweet and Spicy… why the hell not.

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