StarKist Tuna Creations Bacon Ranch

Bacon Ranch Tuna. This is it. Flavor 16 of 16. It ends with this.

You know, it was about 14 days ago I was so enjoying reviewing the ranch flavor. Someone in my Facebook comments dropped the bombshell that there was in fact also a bacon ranch flavor. To which I said rather innocently, “Yeah, it’s probably just ranch flavor with liquid smoke.”

So now here it sits, StarKist Tuna Creations Bacon Ranch. I flip over the package and… It’s an exact duplicate of the ranch flavor ingredients with one notable addition: Liquid smoke. Perfect. It’ll be like having a nice big salad (as you do), at a bonfire (obviously), on the beach (active lifestyle!)… In hell.

The pouch itself feels like it contains only liquid which is deeply unsettling. There is a very barely audible slurping sound when you turn it over. If I open this and something inside is living in there greedily feasting on the creamy contents I would be entirely unfazed.

StarKist Tuna Creations Bacon Ranch

Texture: Elmer’s Wood Glue. Nearly impossible to get out of the pouch. When it finally does come out it looks promisingly flaky, but those flakes almost immediately disintegrate right along with my hope.

Smell: Sour. Rancid. Both of those come to mind. I’m not a fan of, or even someone who really understands, buttermilk or those who enjoy it, even after spending time in the Midwest and seeing people drink entire glasses of the foul yellow stuff. This is a new level of repugnant, and sure enough right after the sour smell fades it’s followed up by the scent of liquid smoke. This doesn’t even try to smell like bacon. It smells like a campfire with damp socks strung out to dry. The cats are beside themselves. They are both deeply invested in this. Oni is spinning little figure eights between my feet.

Anticipation.

Taste: Oh, come on. This is so overwhelmingly sour that even the deceased tuna is depressed. It’s followed up with an overpowering amount of liquid smoke flavor. For those uninitiated, liquid smoke is basically what a computer thinks smoke tastes like. There are no other discernible flavors here. It’s not even salty. Just buttermilk and synthetic smoke. I find myself truly wishing it was fishy. That would be a marked improvement. This is cursed fish. This would ruin even the lowliest cracker. I put down two tiny portions for the cats and a fuzzy battle royale ensues. I guess that’s a selling point. Rebrand this under Fancy Feast. Just don’t sell it to humans.

Verdict: 1 🐟. This is the only flavor so far that has actually caused spontaneous swearing. It’s horrific.

Well, I’m still alive. All 16 flavors of Tuna Creations have been sampled, documented, and photographed. Tomorrow brings the aching loneliness of a tuna-free existence. This began with no point and ends with no point. Tuna is like human life. It’s the journey we are all on. We learn as we go.

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