￼Only 4 left. Enjoy some Hot Buffalo tuna today!
StarKist really seems to think people want their tuna to have hot sauce on it but are totally incapable of applying the sauce to the fish themselves. I guess the extra step is just too taxing for those of us with an active fish-slurping lifestyle. I’m really not sure why anyone would slather Buffalo sauce on tuna rather than chicken but that’s just the post-chicken world we live in.
Take note that this is not an endorsed brand name Buffalo sauce, not a Frank’s nor a Sweet Baby Rays. Once again giving the oceanic overlords at StarKist a terrifying amount of flavor power. This is simply “Hot Buffalo Style” tuna. I like Buffalo sauce under normal circumstances (like when it’s not on fish) but then again, l also love Tapatio and StarKist fucked that idea right out of my head a few days ago.
StarKist Tuna Creations BOLD Hot Buffalo Style:
Texture: Veering very close to not having an actual texture or needing a new word invented. This is hard to describe. Somehow both dry and wet. Out of the pouch it becomes something similar to a mash of wet sawdust. This may work to fix Sheetrock damage around the house.
Smell: Just wow. This’ll wake you up in the morning. It’s eye-watering, synthetic vinegar and lemons. This smells like it would make an excellent industrial-grade cleaner for the lower intestines. Unlike any Buffalo sauce I’ve ever smelled, I can’t even begin to fathom what they’ve done to this poor fish. The cats haven’t even bothered to wake up. That alone is deeply worrying.
Taste: Literally nothing like it smells. The taste is so overwhelmingly strong and specific that what immediately springs to mind is: picklefish. This tastes more like pickles than pickles do. It only barely hints at fish and the lack of a particular texture just helps along the twisted illusion that for whatever reason you’ve decided to purée a few pickles and taken them out on a fishing trip to suck up with a boba straw. I flip over the pouch to see where pickles landed in the ingredients list and guess what? There are no pickles listed. StarKist just apparently landed on the exact combination of spices that comprise a pickle and rode that tide to shore. This is now only the second time I’ve had to go find the cats to get their opinions. Neither is interested in the slightest, as you can see.
Verdict: 3 but very much only if you really love pickles. Like, an unhealthy amount.
What’s on tomorrow’s tasting menu? Oh. Sesame Ginger.
Fun story, that flavor is impossible to find locally in a reasonable quantity. Guess who has enough of it to stock a grocery store now? This guy. This guy right here.
A possible benefit of dating me? Maybe tuna. Tinder, here I come.