After two consecutive days of vaguely tuna-flavored disappointment, today is special. You see a few of these flavors people have actually recommended. So, not just my tastebuds but also those people’s reputations are on the line. That’s a good thing because sampling tuna is a lonely life.
Today is lemon pepper day.
It’s a somewhat unsung combination, and to me, it would be a natural fit for a pouch of fish caught somewhere in some water, then overcooked in a factory and stuffed in a little protein satchel. My hopes are uncharacteristically high, but I go into this fully armed with the knowledge that the higher the platform I build, the longer the fall.
Exciting isn’t it? It is. I’m tingling.
StarKist Tuna Creations – Lemon Pepper:
Texture: This is almost like tuna. Slightly softer than you might find in a canned tuna, but this flakes reasonably well. If you spoke gently to canned tuna for a few minutes and it really began to relax and feel confident, I suspect it would end up this texture. Soft, but still powerful.
Smell: Whoa. Lemony. Most lemon-flavored foods smell more like your mom’s kitchen than they do actual lemons. This smells so much like lemons that I looked at the ingredients. Lemon purée, lemon juice, *and* the eerily non-specific “lemon flavor”. Jesus. Leave some lemons for the world StarKist. Overall, no pepper or spice smells, nor any tuna smell, it just smells like a lemon. I do not dislike this. Notably, the cats have not cascaded down the stairs in a pile of fur and whiskers yet.
*edit* Yes they have.
Taste: I want to hate this. It’s probably funnier to write about if I hate it. I don’t though. It’s not fine dining but it’s actually not bad. I strongly suspect it’s the same concept that gave it such a strong smell. It tastes like real lemons were used because apparently, they used the hell out of some lemons. There is no notable pepper flavor and it’s maybe a little one-dimensional. However, if I was in a hurry and felt like tearing open a packet of fish while flying down the road somewhere in Utah at 4am in a tour van full of sweaty industrial musicians after playing a show and realizing we have to be in Las Vegas in 11 hours for load-in would I tolerate everyone around me groaning as a slightly fishy scent enveloped the sculptured contours of our rented Ford Astrovan? Yes. Would I listen to another round of “Oh, great, Clint is in his fuckin’ tuna stash again”? Yea. I would.
Both cats remain silent. They are sitting on my feet, one cat per foot waiting. Confused but brave. Unfortunately, lemons are rather bad for cats, and since cats are not silly slobber monsters they seem fully aware of this. Mostly they stare at me with lusty eyes. I appease them with non-flavored tuna I got from Trader Joe’s just for this occasion and the peace is restored.
This is entirely tolerable for its stature in the world. I wouldn’t make a special trip for it but I also wouldn’t think twice about a packet of this and some crackers if I had it on hand. Goddamn it StarKist, you might be on to something here.
Next up: (pray for me) Starkist Tuna Creations Bold Spicy Korean Style with Gochujang