StarKist Tuna Creations Ranch

As promised… the first in a series of Ol’ Clint’s Flavored Tuna Pouch reviews:

Ranch.

Full disclosure, I’m not a “ranch person” – in the vast world of salad dressings it’s near my bottom. French is worse because that’s basically just salad ketchup, but ranch is just mayo with weird shit in it. Yea, it’s ok on fries, but let’s not get crazy. Ranch knows its place, it lives in a hidden valley for a reason people.

So, Starkist Tuna Creations Ranch:

Texture: This is mushier than I imagined. The cats immediately gather at my feet making chirping noises when I open it and I can see why, it’s almost tuna paste.

Smell: You know when you’ve worn your socks just about a day too long? You got yourself some fancy boots but they don’t breathe and you got all dressed up and went out dancing, but then you come home, tired, a little clammy and you take off your boots and you start to question your decision? Here you were thinking you’d get maybe a little spicy with your partner but now you wonder if they can smell it too? It’s that smell. Acidic, wrong, embarrassing. That’s how this ranch-flavored tuna pouch smells. Both cats are still chirping. Now almost desperate.

Taste: Kids these days use the world cringe for a lot of things, but the world used it far before TikTok. It used it when tasting things like this. As in “he cringed when he placed the acrid, foot scented tuna paste in his mouth.” It tastes like it wanted to be lemon but something went wrong. It’s sour in an almost Sour Patch Kids way. I can only assume they went hard on buttermilk powder and light on spices. You have to kind of smoosh it around on a fork because it has no real structure, I’m assuming because of the acids. This tastes neither like tuna nor like ranch. It is to be avoided at all costs. One cat thinks it’s great. The other just stares from the tuna to me, looking both surprised and sad.

So, StarKist Tuna Creations Ranch on a scale of 1 – 10

It gets my lowest rating. 1

Next up! Herb & Garlic. God help me.