StarKist Tuna Creations BOLD Premium Tuna with Rice & Beans

My stomach needs a break, but that’s just tough shit because a new dawn brings a new tuna packet.

Uniquely, today is the only flavor packet that isn’t just a variation of spiced or sauced tuna, it’s a tuna, rice, and beans meal in a pouch. A quick glance at the ingredients tells me that we have cooked “grain blend” (ooh.. tasty!) and cooked “bean blend” (“Why’d you blend the beans?!”) What a horrid idea this is on so many levels.

As I’m sure you know both rice and beans are both somewhat neutral and prone to absorbing flavors, so someone in some oceanic boardroom (I assume all StarKist operations are entirely oceanic) had to make the conscious decision to stick them in with processed fishy meat and let ‘em soak for awhile. Really fishify that rice. Mmm mmm.

My mouth is positively soaked with anticipation.

StarKist Tuna Creations BOLD Premium Tuna with Rice & Beans

Texture: C’mon. Why is the tuna so soft? Why is the “rice” so hard? Every time you open a packet of Tuna Creations you are met with a new, unpleasant, confounding surprise. It’s chunky for all the wrong reasons. Even among the mostly hard rice, each grain is in business for itself. Some bits are chewy, others soft, others so hard the only choice is to kind of gnaw at it.

Smell: I was immediately transported to Lasagna day in public school. You walk into the school bright-eyed and eager to learn while the smell of overcooked noodles, canned tomatoes, and flavorless meat pulled from a freezer would waft through homeroom while you learned all about things you’ve long since forgotten. Dread. That’s the smell.

Taste: It tastes like someone took canned spaghetti sauce and mixed it with a jar of dollar store brand salsa and took them on an ocean voyage. It’s notably spicy but I’m positive there is quite a bit of oregano added for some unholy reason. A wild, unpleasant mishmash of flavors that lingers in the back of the throat. This is pure StarKist brand hubris, the madness that comes from unchecked power.

If you need more evidence, if my impression is not enough, there has been no use in documenting the cat’s response to this. Both of them heard me open the packet, ran downstairs, and took a good sniff. They went to the exact opposite side of the kitchen and then went back upstairs.

Verdict: 1 . That’s it. This is just really unpleasant.

I’ve added a rare picture of myself directly after sampling StarKist Tuna Creations with Rice & Beans.

Once I had dreams. Now … only nightmares.

So much for giving my stomach a rest. Next up it’s Spicy Thai.